A Moments Hesitation

Wednesday night, we hit a deer on the way to church. Thankfully, we are all okay, but the van is not. It’s minor damage to what it could have been and it will be fixed, no big deal. As for the deer, I’m fairly certain she is alive too, but she was hurt, I know that for sure. As we were driving down the road we all saw the deer, and the deer saw us. We started slowing down so the deer could cross. She had more than enough time to cross the road without getting hit, but she hesitated. She didn’t immediately take off, which in the end, caused her to get hit. I think the first words out of my mouth after we knew that we were all okay were, “That stupid deer hesitated.” Everyone that I told heard the same thing come out of my mouth. “The deer hesitated.” I didn’t think it meant anything at the time, but as I was talking to my mom this morning, she brought it to my attention that there was a deeper meaning to that statement.

How often do we hesitate? How often does our hesitation get us in trouble, or get us hurt. Has God ever spoken to you and told you to go talk to someone, or to go and pray for someone, or to go witness to someone, but you hesitate for just one second or you question God and then that opportunity is lost? I sure have and I don't like the way it feels. 

I am reminded of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: 

Furious with rage, Nebuchadnezzar summoned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. So these men were brought before the king, and Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up? Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?” Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:13-18 NIV)

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did not hesitate when King Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they did not worship the idol that he made they would be thrown into the fiery furnace. They didn't even have to think about it. They knew without a shadow of a doubt that their God would deliver them from the fiery furnace. 

I no longer want to live a life of hesitation like the deer. I want to live a life without hesitation! I want to live a life of obedience to God without hesitation! This is my prayer for myself and for you!

Where is God?

Do you ever feel like you are going through this life alone? When you are going through a trial do you ever wonder, “Where is God? Why isn’t He here?” Here’s the thing, questioning where God is, isn’t the right question. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” With that one verse, we know that God will ALWAYS be with us! Isaiah 43:1-2 says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” There again God says he will be with us no matter what we are going through! So it’s incorrect to say, “Where is God”. The real question is why did you move? If God never leaves us, then we are the ones who move. You may not even realize when you move away from God. It’s easy to do. And no, moving away from God doesn’t always mean that you have sinned. It could just be that you have decided you can do this life on your own. And then you look up one day and realize that God isn’t there.

A few months ago, I went through this. My dad made a decision that I didn’t feel was right and I was angry and upset over it. I took the situation into my own hands instead of putting it in God’s hand. As I look back now, I can picture God calling my name and saying “I will take care of this, don’t worry about it” but I wasn’t listening. One day I took inventory of where I was in life and realized that God wasn’t there. In my ignorance I called out to God and said, “Where are you God!” Boy did I get an answer. He told me that He had been there the whole time, but I didn’t reach out to Him. That did not make me feel good, it actually kind of hurt. You would think I would have learned my lesson, right? Nope.

Last Sunday during worship, I was standing there worshiping and just not feeling “right”. I called out to God again and told Him I felt far from Him and that I just wanted to be wrapped in his arms. Well, God does exactly what you ask Him to do. I got all tingly all over and I knew God was back and he was wrapping me in His arms. There is nothing better than that feeling.

So, I challenge you, as well as myself, to moving towards God instead of away from Him!

Don't Raise Your White Flag!

Being a Christian isn’t easy. No one said that it would be. We are constantly fighting a battle between good and evil, between what’s right and what’s wrong, between life and death. The good news is, we aren’t fighting this battle alone. God is right there with us, day in and day out. He never leaves us! In fact, He already won the battle!

Whatever you are going through, though it may look grim, keep fighting!! You may want to throw in the towel, give up, quit, but don’t! God gives us strength! Philippians 4:13 says that Christ strengthens us. God is behind us 100%!

Feeling alone? Ready to give up? About to raise your white flag in surrender? Call upon the name of the Lord! He will be right beside you! He will give you strength and courage to pull through! Don’t give Satan the satisfaction of thinking he has won!  

So keep pressing on, don’t give up, don’t loose hope! Don’t raise your white flag!!!

My inspiration: 

This Christmas

This Christmas just doesn't feel like Christmas at all. To be quite frank, it has snuck up on me without me realizing it. Don't get me wrong, I still love Christmas, but my views are changing. Christmas used to be magical for me. I used to be so excited about it, but over the past couple of years I have begun to realize that it's not about a "feeling" or the presents. Christmas is about celebrating the fact that God sent His son to this earth to save us from our sins and have eternal life. Christmas is about spending time with your family and your friends.christmas is not about what the world has made it. 

Christmas has become such a commercialized holiday, that it disgusts me. One of my favorite stores has been open 24/7 since Friday so people can get their last minute Christmas shopping done. No store should ever do that kind of thing to their employees. And let me assure you, an email will be sent to this store expressing my disappointment in them. 

This year has opened my eyes to so many other things that this Christmas, I didn't write a single list for anyone. My mom wold ask me what I wanted, and I would simply tell her donate money to this organization in my name, I don't need anything. And really I don't. If I want/need something, I buy it. God has blessed me with the ability to do that. Sure, I have/will get presents this Christmas and I will be thankful, but the presents don't matter this year. God has truly changed my heart. 

And don't even get me started on the Merry Christmas debate. I have said Merry Christmas to almost everyone I have come in contact with for at least the past week and guess what, they didn't get angry, they said it back! Quit being afraid of offending someone and stand up for what you believe in!

As Christmas Eve comes to an end, I wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas! Take a moment to remember what the true meaning of this holiday is! God bless!

Let's Be Real

 Being “real” isn’t easy. I will be the first to tell you that it’s not easy. I’m the person who holds everything inside. I’m the person who, when you ask how I am or if everything is okay, will tell you that everything’s fine even if its not.  I am learning though it’s better not to be that way. When we are real, we put ourselves out in the open for everyone to see. Sometimes, it’s not pretty. I’ve got some stuff going on right now and I’m learning that when I’m real, it’s easier to work through. I’ve realized that there is a process of being real. First we have to be real with ourselves. Then we have to be real with God. And finally we have to be real with others.

Being Real With Yourself:

Being real with yourself is, at least for me, the hardest step in all of this. In order to be real with ourselves, we have to admit things that we may not like. Being real with ourselves might bring up feelings that aren’t pleasant. Me personally, I would rather bury my feelings and move on instead of dealing with them. This normally gets me nowhere. I end up having to deal with them later, whether it is days later or years later.

Being Real With God:

Being real with God is really important. He already knows everything, but I feel like it’s important to let Him know how you are feeling. If you aren’t real with God then you will never get real peace and/or freedom. A lot of the time when I am real with God, its about a doubt I have or not understanding what He is doing. Admitting that I am doubtful in God’s plan is like a stab to the heart for me. I know God has everything planned out, but I’m human, sometimes I need reassurance. When I’m not real with God, it just keeps building, and building until I finally confess it all to Him, which usually ends with me a teary mess. It feels so good though, laying it all out on the table with God! Once you get it off your chest, a weight is lifted and it feels as though you can breath again!

Being Real With Others:

Being real with others is also pretty hard. For me, it’s like admitting my weaknesses and I don’t like to look weak. Most of the time I feel ashamed to look weak. I want to be strong! But when we are real with others, we are allowing ourselves to trust. And maybe they will know just what to say to you. Maybe they have been through what you’re going through and can give you advice on how to get through it. Maybe you just need someone to hug you, or cry with you, or agree with you. But, unless we are real with others, no one will ever know what we need.

Like I said earlier, I’m the one who holds everything inside. I’m the person who, when you ask how I am or if everything is okay, will tell you that everything’s fine even if its not.  But I am working on being more real. Recently I was told I need to work on being more transparent. I don’t know if being more transparent is the word. I need to be more open and more real.

Saying Yes to God

Twice in less than two weeks I have heard someone preach about saying yes to God: The first time was Monday night at Fine Arts last week, and the second time was on Saturday at the Tenth Avenue North concert. Why is it so hard to say yes to God and surrender everything to him? It seems like such a simple task. “Yes God, I want to follow you, I want to give you everything, I want to do good and not sin” but then we recoil and say “No, you can’t have that, I don’t want you to see that, I am too ashamed of that, etc, etc, etc”. 

I feel like I have said yes to God over and over again. I give him all of me, but then somewhere down the line, I pick it back up again and hide it. I take it back from God, which is in essence telling God no. Last October I wrote a blog post that was inspired by the song Draw the Line by Disciple. The song talks about drawing a line between where the old “me” ends and the new “me” begins. I had come to a place in my life where I surrendered everything to God. Then, in December I wrote another post about how, between October and December, I had picked up the old me again and tried to do it on my own. But that’s not what I wanted. I had decided to give it all to God again. This line is taken straight from my post in December: “I mean everything. My hopes, dreams, desires, fears, doubts, everything.”  I thought I was covered.

The first night that saying Yes to God was talked about I knew without a doubt that message was for me. My chest tightened and tears welled up in my eyes. I don’t know what God moments feel like to you, but this is what it’s like for me. So, of course, I prayed and told God that I wanted to say yes to him and do whatever he had in store for me. I thought I was covered. Little did I know, I was going to hear the message again five days later. I was standing at the concert with my sister on one side of me and my friend on the other side of me, and Mike Donehey starts talking about saying yes to God. At first I was like “Oh, yeah, I know all about this. We just talked about this on Monday, I’m good.” Boy was I wrong about that. My chest tightened again, but thankfully there were no tears. So, here I am in the same situation again. I just didn’t understand what I hadn’t given to God yet, what I hadn’t said yes to God about yet.

It wasn’t until later that I realized what it is. I can’t remember the exact conversation, but while in Florida last week I told someone that I loved St. Louis too much to ever move away. There was another conversation that I had when I was with Pastor Nathan and Miss Dawn about how she never thought she would end up in Missouri. My reply to her was “Remember how you said it would take God physically picking up and moving Pastor Nathan to Illinois to get him to move there? That’s what it’s going to take to get me out of St. Louis.” As I think back about that particular conversation, I remember feeling God nudging my heart as if you say, “Did you really just say that?” I feel like he was laughing at me a little bit too. He was probably up there in Heaven saying “Oh, you just wait and see what I have in store for you.” I think Miss Dawn even told me to be careful of what you say.

For me, moving away from St. Louis is one of the things that scares me the most. I love being close to my family and I love Restoration Church and all of the people there. Let’s be real, the two biggest reasons I stayed in St. Louis for college were the two things I just mentioned: my family and my church. I don’t want to let go of these things, but I HAVE to say yes to God. So, I have given it up! I laid it at his feet. I no longer have control over where God has me going in the future!  I have to trust that he is going to send me where I need to go!

Independence is Great, but Life is Better!

Today marks 10 years since the accident that changed my life forever! In honor of that, I figured it would be a great time to post my revised Essay for National Fine Arts! Thank you Jesus for having your hand upon us and keeping us safe!!!

Finished? Or Not?

God has a plan for every single one of His children. Sometimes we try to change His plan. Sometimes other people or forces try to change His plan. At the end of the day, God’s plan still prevails.

On July 4, 2003 satan tried to finish me off. It was the end of my fifth year at Kids Camp in Southern Missouri. The week was filled with new and old friends, late nights, early mornings, and incredible times of worship. My bags were packed, the dorm was clean, and my church’s pile of luggage was ready to be loaded onto the trailer. Of course leaving camp was sad, as it always is, but I was very excited to get home to celebrate the Fourth of July with my family. I piled into the van with the rest of my group and claimed my seat. Once everyone was settled, we began our long journey home. When we got to Jefferson City, we stopped at McDonald’s, like we did every year. I still remember what I ordered that day: a sausage McGriddle, a hash brown, and a Coke to ward off the sleep that was sure to come during the ride home. After our stomachs were satisfied, we climbed back into the van. This time I sat in a different seat, all the way in the back row on the left side. Remember, I said I ordered a coke at McDonald’s to ward off sleep? Well, that did not work. My 11-year-old body, that desperately needed sleep, won the fight.

Not long after I fell asleep, my life was literally turned upside down. Something caused the right rear tire of the van to blow out, which in turn caused the trailer we were pulling to fishtail. I have been told that the driver tried to gain control, but was unable to.  At this point, I think I finally woke up. I vaguely remember being jostled around and asking what was going on. I never heard the answer because the van was rolling and I was knocked out. Later, I learned that during the time the van was rolling, my head and upper body went through the window, which was what caused me to black out. The next thing I remember is sitting in the median of the highway with a kind woman, who stopped to help us, supporting me. I complained that my arm hurt and she said that it was probably broken. The police questioned me, asking me what my name was, where I lived, where I was going, who my parents were, what my phone number was, and finally if I was wearing my seatbelt. After what seemed like a long time, an ambulance arrived to take one of the other girls and me to the hospital. As I walked to the ambulance cradling my arm, I looked back at the lady who had held me. She had a large amount of blood on her shirt, which frightened me a little bit. At the hospital, the gash in my head was stapled up and my arm was set in an ugly plaster cast. Then my journey home began again.

            In the days that followed, I found out the rest of the story. In the end, the van rolled a total of three-and-a-half times before coming to a stop. One person was thrown from the van and ended up being air lifted, along with the driver, to Columbia. Both of them had multiple broken bones, not to mention the cuts and bruises they both acquired. Everyone else was treated at local hospitals for cuts and bruises. I toted around my plaster cast that felt like it weighed five pounds and became angry with God. I was angry that I could not do the things that I normally did, such as get dressed without help, assist my mom with cooking dinner, and most of all swim in my backyard pool. The bigger source of my anger came from something else though, the fact that my two friends sitting next to me only had a few minor cuts and bruises, while I had a gash in my head and a broken arm. I quickly came to realize that my anger was petty. I shouldn’t have been angry; God saved my life when He very well could have said that my time was up. My anger though, was replaced with fear. A long time passed before I could even think about setting foot on a 15-passenger van again and an even longer time before I was able to get on one, let alone one pulling a trailer. Getting over my fear was a lot harder than getting over my anger. It took a lot of prayer from a lot of people, as well as some gentle coaxing from a few trusted people in my life to get me back on a 15-passenger van. I started out with baby steps: first, riding in a 15-passenger van and getting comfortable with that. Then, riding in a 15-passenger van pulling a trailer.  Once I finally conquered my fear, I realized it was petty too; God has had His hand upon me everyday since that accident.

            Yes, satan tried to finish me off 10 years ago, but he did not succeed. He could not succeed. God had another plan in mind. I had not finished His work here on earth yet. I did not realize it then, but God used that day, that accident, to make me realize how much I need to value this life and that I was not put here by accident. I was put here on this earth, in this lifetime, for a purpose. Today, I am still not 100 percent sure what that purpose is, but I am working toward finishing the work that He has called me to do. How, you ask? Well, that is a good question. I share Jesus any chance that I get. When I am out with my friends, at the store, anywhere and everywhere. I even continue to let my light shine at one of the hardest places, my college campus. I mean come on, how many spirit filled, Assemblies of God students do you know who go to a Catholic school? My guess, probably not many. I also spend my time each week as a sponsor for my church’s youth group and volunteer monthly as a worker in the nursery. I just love being able to share my experiences with the youth and to show Christ’s love to the little ones in the nursery. Where will God call me to do His work next? I do not know yet. I will be here patiently seeking Him, prepared to go wherever He sends me to finish the work He has started within me.