If you thought this was going to be a post about cute, furry, woodland creatures, its not. Sorry to disappoint. It is however a post about camp where we were repeatedly told not to pet the foxes that came out at night, lol!
It’s no secret that I did not want to go to camp this year. I was asked a couple of times and said no, that my camp season was over and Fine Arts was now my go to, because um hotels (I’m just slightly high maintenance). But here’s the thing, when God tells you to do something, you do it without arguing. You see, it had been a long time since I had heard from God when He told me to go. I was sitting at work, looking at my vacation schedule to make sure Fine Arts would fit into my projects and I had to look over my shoulder because I thought someone had walked into my cube. God’s voice was audible saying “You can go to camp too.” My immediate response was “Are you sure God? Like are you really sure? Cause I don’t want to go.” You know what I got? That’s right, silence. I sat on this for a couple days before I started to get the ball rolling, just to see if God would change His mind. He didn’t. A few weeks later, I can’t remember where I was, but I was pleading with God for more. I wanted more of His spirit because I was empty and I just wanted to feel His presence because I hadn’t felt it for a while. He answered this time. He said “I have it for you, it’s at camp.” I almost broke down right where I was. Right then and there I decided I would stop grumbling and complaining about camp. God had something for me there.
A few more weeks went by and I was in the car on the way to work. The song Reckless Love came on. There’s a line in the song that says there’s no wall you won’t kick down. God’s gentle voice spoke to my heart in that moment. The gist of it was you’ve built up a wall to protect yourself from others, but in doing that the wall has kept me out. That hit me like a ton of bricks. God likes to speak to me in places where I’m captive and can’t run. So driving down the highway to work my only response was okay God, kick down the wall.
Not gonna lie, getting to camp was a struggle. Getting paperwork and money from 11 kids and then getting them across the state without losing anyone was a battle, thankfully though, I didn’t have to drive. Upon arriving at camp, you could feel the atmosphere shift. There is such a peace on the NOMO campground that overwhelms you. Let me tell you, I needed that peace. I still felt like I was carrying a burden, that I was still bound up. But I could feel the presence of God. Everytime I walked into the chapel, my eyes would fill with tears, which for me is a telltale sign that God is near.
Monday night I realized something. Seeing hundreds of teenagers worshiping our King makes it all worth it. All the the sweat, the disgusting bathrooms, late nights, early mornings, sub-par food, and loud DJ sessions. Seeing students chase after God makes all of that matter less. I also realized, it's not about me, it's about them drawing closer to God. And if I happen to reap from it as well, then that's a bonus!
Tuesday (I think it was Tuesday…) was the breaking point though. The speaker had prayed for the students and he turned his attention to the leaders. He wanted leaders who needed to be refreshed to come up to be prayed for. Let me tell you in that moment time slowed down. Did I need to be refreshed, yes. Did I feel burnt out, yes. Was I feeling inadequate, yes. Did I want to admit to any of these things, absolutely not. I stood frozen for about 30 seconds. In that time I was at war with myself and the angel and devil standing on my shoulders. I didn’t want to look weak, but I knew I needed to be up there. In one ear was the devil saying you don’t need to go up there, you’re fine. Nobody will think anything less of you if you don’t go. In the other ear was the angel simply saying go. Ultimately I went, because I knew if I didn’t I would regret it and boy am I glad I did. God was waiting there for me. What was left of the walls I talked about earlier, crumbled. The burdens I had been carrying and the chains that had bound me for so long, fell off. The students had been praying for us and when I turned to leave there was one girl waiting there for me. She wasn’t mine, I was in a place where my kids couldn’t get to me. She looked at me and said I know you aren’t my leader, but thank you for what you do and then proceeded to hug me. That small act right there was so impactful. She didn’t know anything about me, where I was from, my name even, yet she recognized that I make sacrifices for my kids and thanked me for it.
Wednesday is typically the hardest day of the week. Your body hasn’t quite adjusted to the schedule, you are probably running on 5 or less hours of sleep, and it’s Holy Spirit night and the devil is going to fight tooth and nail to ruin it. Surprisingly this was the best day/night of the week and not just because leaders got real food for dinner or because I convinced the kids that they were all in trouble and we needed to discuss it during free time when in reality we were just celebrating Ethan turning 16, lol.
For a while now, I have been struggling to connect with this generation of girls. I had a great relationship with the last generation of girls who have since graduated, gone to college, and majority have gotten married. But this generation speaks an entirely different language, literally (Something about gucci, lit, and salty??? I don’t get it…). But I was finally able to connect with at least one of them. We were sitting around a table in the dining hall after dinner because it was too hot to think about walking back to the dorm or to the chapel and wait outside for it to open. They are very obsessed with my singleness which of course was the topic of conversation. But one of them looked at me and said something to the effect of you have set a good example though, you’ve gone to college, graduated, and gotten a real job all without needing a man in your life. That was a lightbulb moment for me. They are watching, they do get it and they think I am setting an example. Holy cow.
In service that night there was just such a feeling of freedom. I felt lighter, the room felt lighter. The speaker did talk about the Holy Spirit, but the emphasis was on the gifts of the Spirit, which wasn’t bad, just unconventional. At the altar time, my faith was tested big time, but it was a growing moment, or a stretching moment at Pastor Nathan would call it. We were called up to stand in a line in the front and each student was supposed to find a leader to pray for God to give them more of the spiritual gifts that they have or for spiritual gifts they want to work in. I’m no stranger to praying, but in front of people, that’s a different story. And it had been quite some time since I prayed for anyone in this capacity, probably the last time I was at camp… I tend to freeze up and stumble over my words a bit. On top of that the first 3 girls I prayed with weren’t mine. That was hard, but I did my very best and you know what, God hears every prayer no matter how it sounds. While it was uncomfortable, I can tell you next time, it won’t be as uncomfortable.
Thursday brought with it insanely hot temperatures. So much sweat, but somehow we managed. Oh, and the girls decided they needed to do my hair and makeup for the night. What do I say to that? The makeup was a bit much for me and no I didn’t get a picture to document, but I was a good sport about it even when we had KP and I’m pretty sure most of it melted off my face, lol!
God taught me more and I got more out of camp this year than I ever thought I would and maybe even more than I did when I was a camper. I am still blown away. God literally had to take me out of my everyday life to do all of this and get my attention. But it can’t stop there. It has to continue after camp. This week has been hard, going back to work and getting back into the groove of things. In conjunction with my morning devos I’ve gotten serious about my daily verse study and I’m back into writing. I’ve got a few more posts up my sleeves that you can expect soon.
My advice to you, don’t let yourself get so far from God that He has to pluck you out of your routine and take you across the state to get ahold of you again. It has not been an easy road back, honestly it's been pretty painful, and I don’t plan on letting go anytime soon.
Also, these are some of my favorite kids in the world. Thank you parents for raising such awesome kids and thank you for giving me the opportunity to hang out with them for a week. I have been greatly blessed by them!
