This Christmas

This Christmas just doesn't feel like Christmas at all. To be quite frank, it has snuck up on me without me realizing it. Don't get me wrong, I still love Christmas, but my views are changing. Christmas used to be magical for me. I used to be so excited about it, but over the past couple of years I have begun to realize that it's not about a "feeling" or the presents. Christmas is about celebrating the fact that God sent His son to this earth to save us from our sins and have eternal life. Christmas is about spending time with your family and your friends.christmas is not about what the world has made it. 

Christmas has become such a commercialized holiday, that it disgusts me. One of my favorite stores has been open 24/7 since Friday so people can get their last minute Christmas shopping done. No store should ever do that kind of thing to their employees. And let me assure you, an email will be sent to this store expressing my disappointment in them. 

This year has opened my eyes to so many other things that this Christmas, I didn't write a single list for anyone. My mom wold ask me what I wanted, and I would simply tell her donate money to this organization in my name, I don't need anything. And really I don't. If I want/need something, I buy it. God has blessed me with the ability to do that. Sure, I have/will get presents this Christmas and I will be thankful, but the presents don't matter this year. God has truly changed my heart. 

And don't even get me started on the Merry Christmas debate. I have said Merry Christmas to almost everyone I have come in contact with for at least the past week and guess what, they didn't get angry, they said it back! Quit being afraid of offending someone and stand up for what you believe in!

As Christmas Eve comes to an end, I wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas! Take a moment to remember what the true meaning of this holiday is! God bless!

Let's Be Real

 Being “real” isn’t easy. I will be the first to tell you that it’s not easy. I’m the person who holds everything inside. I’m the person who, when you ask how I am or if everything is okay, will tell you that everything’s fine even if its not.  I am learning though it’s better not to be that way. When we are real, we put ourselves out in the open for everyone to see. Sometimes, it’s not pretty. I’ve got some stuff going on right now and I’m learning that when I’m real, it’s easier to work through. I’ve realized that there is a process of being real. First we have to be real with ourselves. Then we have to be real with God. And finally we have to be real with others.

Being Real With Yourself:

Being real with yourself is, at least for me, the hardest step in all of this. In order to be real with ourselves, we have to admit things that we may not like. Being real with ourselves might bring up feelings that aren’t pleasant. Me personally, I would rather bury my feelings and move on instead of dealing with them. This normally gets me nowhere. I end up having to deal with them later, whether it is days later or years later.

Being Real With God:

Being real with God is really important. He already knows everything, but I feel like it’s important to let Him know how you are feeling. If you aren’t real with God then you will never get real peace and/or freedom. A lot of the time when I am real with God, its about a doubt I have or not understanding what He is doing. Admitting that I am doubtful in God’s plan is like a stab to the heart for me. I know God has everything planned out, but I’m human, sometimes I need reassurance. When I’m not real with God, it just keeps building, and building until I finally confess it all to Him, which usually ends with me a teary mess. It feels so good though, laying it all out on the table with God! Once you get it off your chest, a weight is lifted and it feels as though you can breath again!

Being Real With Others:

Being real with others is also pretty hard. For me, it’s like admitting my weaknesses and I don’t like to look weak. Most of the time I feel ashamed to look weak. I want to be strong! But when we are real with others, we are allowing ourselves to trust. And maybe they will know just what to say to you. Maybe they have been through what you’re going through and can give you advice on how to get through it. Maybe you just need someone to hug you, or cry with you, or agree with you. But, unless we are real with others, no one will ever know what we need.

Like I said earlier, I’m the one who holds everything inside. I’m the person who, when you ask how I am or if everything is okay, will tell you that everything’s fine even if its not.  But I am working on being more real. Recently I was told I need to work on being more transparent. I don’t know if being more transparent is the word. I need to be more open and more real.

Saying Yes to God

Twice in less than two weeks I have heard someone preach about saying yes to God: The first time was Monday night at Fine Arts last week, and the second time was on Saturday at the Tenth Avenue North concert. Why is it so hard to say yes to God and surrender everything to him? It seems like such a simple task. “Yes God, I want to follow you, I want to give you everything, I want to do good and not sin” but then we recoil and say “No, you can’t have that, I don’t want you to see that, I am too ashamed of that, etc, etc, etc”. 

I feel like I have said yes to God over and over again. I give him all of me, but then somewhere down the line, I pick it back up again and hide it. I take it back from God, which is in essence telling God no. Last October I wrote a blog post that was inspired by the song Draw the Line by Disciple. The song talks about drawing a line between where the old “me” ends and the new “me” begins. I had come to a place in my life where I surrendered everything to God. Then, in December I wrote another post about how, between October and December, I had picked up the old me again and tried to do it on my own. But that’s not what I wanted. I had decided to give it all to God again. This line is taken straight from my post in December: “I mean everything. My hopes, dreams, desires, fears, doubts, everything.”  I thought I was covered.

The first night that saying Yes to God was talked about I knew without a doubt that message was for me. My chest tightened and tears welled up in my eyes. I don’t know what God moments feel like to you, but this is what it’s like for me. So, of course, I prayed and told God that I wanted to say yes to him and do whatever he had in store for me. I thought I was covered. Little did I know, I was going to hear the message again five days later. I was standing at the concert with my sister on one side of me and my friend on the other side of me, and Mike Donehey starts talking about saying yes to God. At first I was like “Oh, yeah, I know all about this. We just talked about this on Monday, I’m good.” Boy was I wrong about that. My chest tightened again, but thankfully there were no tears. So, here I am in the same situation again. I just didn’t understand what I hadn’t given to God yet, what I hadn’t said yes to God about yet.

It wasn’t until later that I realized what it is. I can’t remember the exact conversation, but while in Florida last week I told someone that I loved St. Louis too much to ever move away. There was another conversation that I had when I was with Pastor Nathan and Miss Dawn about how she never thought she would end up in Missouri. My reply to her was “Remember how you said it would take God physically picking up and moving Pastor Nathan to Illinois to get him to move there? That’s what it’s going to take to get me out of St. Louis.” As I think back about that particular conversation, I remember feeling God nudging my heart as if you say, “Did you really just say that?” I feel like he was laughing at me a little bit too. He was probably up there in Heaven saying “Oh, you just wait and see what I have in store for you.” I think Miss Dawn even told me to be careful of what you say.

For me, moving away from St. Louis is one of the things that scares me the most. I love being close to my family and I love Restoration Church and all of the people there. Let’s be real, the two biggest reasons I stayed in St. Louis for college were the two things I just mentioned: my family and my church. I don’t want to let go of these things, but I HAVE to say yes to God. So, I have given it up! I laid it at his feet. I no longer have control over where God has me going in the future!  I have to trust that he is going to send me where I need to go!

Independence is Great, but Life is Better!

Today marks 10 years since the accident that changed my life forever! In honor of that, I figured it would be a great time to post my revised Essay for National Fine Arts! Thank you Jesus for having your hand upon us and keeping us safe!!!

Finished? Or Not?

God has a plan for every single one of His children. Sometimes we try to change His plan. Sometimes other people or forces try to change His plan. At the end of the day, God’s plan still prevails.

On July 4, 2003 satan tried to finish me off. It was the end of my fifth year at Kids Camp in Southern Missouri. The week was filled with new and old friends, late nights, early mornings, and incredible times of worship. My bags were packed, the dorm was clean, and my church’s pile of luggage was ready to be loaded onto the trailer. Of course leaving camp was sad, as it always is, but I was very excited to get home to celebrate the Fourth of July with my family. I piled into the van with the rest of my group and claimed my seat. Once everyone was settled, we began our long journey home. When we got to Jefferson City, we stopped at McDonald’s, like we did every year. I still remember what I ordered that day: a sausage McGriddle, a hash brown, and a Coke to ward off the sleep that was sure to come during the ride home. After our stomachs were satisfied, we climbed back into the van. This time I sat in a different seat, all the way in the back row on the left side. Remember, I said I ordered a coke at McDonald’s to ward off sleep? Well, that did not work. My 11-year-old body, that desperately needed sleep, won the fight.

Not long after I fell asleep, my life was literally turned upside down. Something caused the right rear tire of the van to blow out, which in turn caused the trailer we were pulling to fishtail. I have been told that the driver tried to gain control, but was unable to.  At this point, I think I finally woke up. I vaguely remember being jostled around and asking what was going on. I never heard the answer because the van was rolling and I was knocked out. Later, I learned that during the time the van was rolling, my head and upper body went through the window, which was what caused me to black out. The next thing I remember is sitting in the median of the highway with a kind woman, who stopped to help us, supporting me. I complained that my arm hurt and she said that it was probably broken. The police questioned me, asking me what my name was, where I lived, where I was going, who my parents were, what my phone number was, and finally if I was wearing my seatbelt. After what seemed like a long time, an ambulance arrived to take one of the other girls and me to the hospital. As I walked to the ambulance cradling my arm, I looked back at the lady who had held me. She had a large amount of blood on her shirt, which frightened me a little bit. At the hospital, the gash in my head was stapled up and my arm was set in an ugly plaster cast. Then my journey home began again.

            In the days that followed, I found out the rest of the story. In the end, the van rolled a total of three-and-a-half times before coming to a stop. One person was thrown from the van and ended up being air lifted, along with the driver, to Columbia. Both of them had multiple broken bones, not to mention the cuts and bruises they both acquired. Everyone else was treated at local hospitals for cuts and bruises. I toted around my plaster cast that felt like it weighed five pounds and became angry with God. I was angry that I could not do the things that I normally did, such as get dressed without help, assist my mom with cooking dinner, and most of all swim in my backyard pool. The bigger source of my anger came from something else though, the fact that my two friends sitting next to me only had a few minor cuts and bruises, while I had a gash in my head and a broken arm. I quickly came to realize that my anger was petty. I shouldn’t have been angry; God saved my life when He very well could have said that my time was up. My anger though, was replaced with fear. A long time passed before I could even think about setting foot on a 15-passenger van again and an even longer time before I was able to get on one, let alone one pulling a trailer. Getting over my fear was a lot harder than getting over my anger. It took a lot of prayer from a lot of people, as well as some gentle coaxing from a few trusted people in my life to get me back on a 15-passenger van. I started out with baby steps: first, riding in a 15-passenger van and getting comfortable with that. Then, riding in a 15-passenger van pulling a trailer.  Once I finally conquered my fear, I realized it was petty too; God has had His hand upon me everyday since that accident.

            Yes, satan tried to finish me off 10 years ago, but he did not succeed. He could not succeed. God had another plan in mind. I had not finished His work here on earth yet. I did not realize it then, but God used that day, that accident, to make me realize how much I need to value this life and that I was not put here by accident. I was put here on this earth, in this lifetime, for a purpose. Today, I am still not 100 percent sure what that purpose is, but I am working toward finishing the work that He has called me to do. How, you ask? Well, that is a good question. I share Jesus any chance that I get. When I am out with my friends, at the store, anywhere and everywhere. I even continue to let my light shine at one of the hardest places, my college campus. I mean come on, how many spirit filled, Assemblies of God students do you know who go to a Catholic school? My guess, probably not many. I also spend my time each week as a sponsor for my church’s youth group and volunteer monthly as a worker in the nursery. I just love being able to share my experiences with the youth and to show Christ’s love to the little ones in the nursery. Where will God call me to do His work next? I do not know yet. I will be here patiently seeking Him, prepared to go wherever He sends me to finish the work He has started within me.

Sometimes You Just Have to Yell at the Devil!

Have you ever been at a place in your life where the devil just keeps attacking you? Well that's where I was this morning. With everything that has been happening in our country lately and some other things going on at home, it just feels like a constant attack. Well last night was the topper on the cake. To make the long story short, my mom was admitted to the hospital. (Nothing major, they mainly just gave her some antibiotics). I never lost faith though, I knew that God was bigger than the situation!

On my way to school this morning, "We Won't be Shaken" by Building 429 came on the radio. It is like my favorite song right now, so naturally I cranked the volume up! Little did I know, God used this song for my good this morning. When the song ended, Sandy Brown from JoyFM came back on and was talking about the song, but do you know what I did? I turned down the radio and I yelled at the devil! I told him that I would not be shaken! That my trust was in My God and that he had no hold on me! And that he would not win this battle, that he couldn't win this battle because My God had already won it, so he could just get out! Let me tell you that I probably looked like a crazy person to all of the people driving beside me, but it felt so good!

There is no need to worry about any situation that you are in! Yes, this is still easier said than done and I still struggle with it. God is our rock! If we cling to him, we will not be shaken!

So, the next time you are feeling under attack, just yell at the devil! Yell like you mean it! don't be wimpy about it! Tell him to leave! That he has no hold on you! It not only shows the devil who's boss, it's a great stress reliever too!

Longing for Heaven

Every morning that my mom dropped me of at school during high school, I told her that I didn't want to go to school, I wanted to go to heaven and be with Jesus. Then, my reason for wanting to go to heaven was because I hated high school, at least freshman and sophomore year. Now, I long to go to heaven for a different reason. It seems that every time I open up yahoo, or turn on the news, or go to any other major form of media all that is being reported is the bad stuff. Lately it's been about shootings. There was been the theater shooting in Aurora last July. More recently there was the shooting in Newton, and I am constantly hearing about other shootings in colleges across the country. Quite frankly, I am tired of hearing of death, and evil, and corruption in our society. It just drives me crazy. Not to mention everything that is going on with the politics lately. I don't really know much about that, but I know whatever is happening cant be good.

Hebrews 13 says this, "For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come." (Hebrews 13:14 NLT) I am tired of living here on this earth. I just want to go to my permanent home in heaven and join with those who have gone before me. I have had this conversation with many people and more often than not their response is somewhere along the lines of, "but I want to get married first" or "I want to have a family" or "I'm not done living my life yet". And I tell them, well I want those things too, but if staying here to get married, have kids, and finish my life means that I have to endure death, pain, and suffering then I think I want to go to heaven where there is no death, pain, or suffering. I want to go to heaven where I don't have to work for a living, but can sit at the feet of my King and worship Him all day long. I get a lot of weird looks, but I don't care. I wasn't put on this earth to care about what others think of me.

No matter how bad any of us want to go to heaven, no one knows when God will finally call us home. In Matthew Jesus tells us this, "But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."(Matthew 24:36 NIV) For as long as I remember I have been told that we are living in the last days. My mom says that she was always told that we were living in the last days when she was growing up. And my grandma tells stories of when she was young that they were living in the last days. That's three generations all living in the last days. I guess the only thing to do is wait here on earth as patiently as possible and continue sharing the gospel of Jesus.

Problems of a Biblically Knowledgable Girl in a Religious Class at a Jesuit University...

After attending my New Testament class today I realized that I really am not a fan of religious classes. The biggest thing that bugs me is the fact that everyone is on so many different levels. For example, today we were in groups talking about a few different passages in the Bible. One person in my group is Chinese and has probably never picked up a Bible and the other obviously knows his way around a Bible but doesn't understand much of it. And then here I am, with the Bible open to Romans 12:3-8 where it talks about being one body in Christ, and I already know what the passage is about and can answer the question that is asked of us because I have heard this passage preached on before. So basically after the other two people give their answers I give my, "Well, kinda, but its really more like this..." And then it clicks in their head. The whole situation brought to my mind an analogy that Pastor Nathan used a long time ago to illustrate how spiritually deep we were going into our discussions. When he wanted a more logical answer, we would be like say 2 feet deep in a pool. When he wanted something that required some thinking and possibly the stringing together of ideas, we would be say 6 feet deep in a pool. That's kind of how I felt today. Here I was out in the 6 foot deep end, and everyone else was still testing the waters in the wading area. I guess I just get to be the leader in this, which I don't like doing. I would rather just sit back and follow until something comes up that I disagree with. As Pastor Nathan would put it, I am being stretched again.

Road Trip!

Last week I was able to go spend some time with my second family in Jackson, Missouri. If you aren’t familiar with where that is, it’s about two hours south of St. Louis, so I was by myself in my car for a total of approximately 4 hours (two there and two back). And if you read one of my previous posts, you would know that in my car is where God and I have a lot of conversations, so I figured I would get something. Well on the way back I did. I had my iPod plugged up and I was listening to the playlist I had created especially for the trip. I was skipping through songs and I came across 7x70 by Chris August. Originally I skipped it, but God told me to go back and listen to it. So I did, and I figure I was going to get a lesson on forgiveness. I was wrong. By the time I was about halfway through the song, tears began to well up in my eyes and I didn’t know why.  At the end of the song it says, “I lost count of the ways you let me down, but no matter how many times you weren’t around, I’m alright now cause, god picked up my heart and helped me through.” Something clicked, and I was like I get it!  It doesn’t matter who has hurt you, or let you down, or wasn’t around enough, or whatever it may be that you want to fill the blank in with, God is there for you to turn to. There is no need to have a pity party for youself! Psalm 34:18 says, “If your heart is broken, you’ll find God there.” If you allow God to help you, he will! No matter what has broken your heart, He will pick up the pieces and mend it back together and help you get back to the place you need to be. I haven’t always been so willing to let God pick up my heart and put it back together. A lot of the time, I have left it on the ground and be angry or pull the woe is me card, but that didn’t get me anywhere, it only made it worse. It didn’t get better until I allowed God to come in and make things better, to help me work through my hurt. So, whatever you may be going through today, let God come in and help you through it!

The New Year Is Here!

Well 2013 has arrived. I can hardly believe that another year has begun. While 2012 has had its good moments; I am so ready to put it in the past. It’s become a tradition in our house and our church to fast for 21 days at the beginning of the year. This year I decided I would fast soda, certain food items, and anything fried. After fasting this way today, I just felt it wasn’t good enough and so did God. God told me that I needed to try harder. So, tomorrow after work I will be heading to the store to stock up on fruits and vegetables to start my Daniel Fast on Friday. With this fast, I hope to start the year getting closer to God and seeking answers to my prayers. If you haven’t considered fasting for this New Year, then think about it. It doesn’t have to be much, it could be your favorite food, or TV, or Facebook, or one meal, the list can go on forever. Whatever it is that you choose to give up, make sure it’s a sacrifice, and use that time to spend with God.

Happy New Year!!!